So I’ve been dealing with an interesting thing that is providing an excellent lesson in how not to thank your customers.

A while back, I noticed US Weekly magazine arriving in my building. I live in a building with several other apartments, so I ignored it because I assumed it was somebody else’s mail. Then one day I found a stack of them on my doorstep, and realized that they were addressed to me. Odd, given that I didn’t sign up for it. I finally remembered to call my mom and ask her if she had signed me up — nope, she hadn’t.

So finally I get around to calling US Weekly, which is probably one of the worst customer service experiences I’ve ever had. First of all, rather than have a hold system, they tell you call volume is too high and go to the website or call back and dump you off. Which is fine if you don’t need to talk to someone but I did, because at this point I was a little freaked out at how they got my name, and I sure as hell wasn’t giving them any personal info on the site. I had to call back around 16 times before I got to speak with anyone. At which point I was informed that a company called ValueMags.com had signed me up and that US could not cancel my subscription since I didn’t sign up for it. They could suspend it, which they supposedly did although I kept getting magazines so I’m thinking that wasn’t accurate, but I would have to call the other company to actually cancel.

Of course, the hours were not great and it was a while before I could call ValueMags. Luckily I was able to get through and not have to cal back multiple times and they agreed to cancel my subscription promptly (though they did warn me that I could receive a few more issues because they pre-print labels, so we’ll see) and told me that Steve Madden had signed me up as a thank you for shopping.

So, I bought a pair of boots from Steve Madden a while back an while I really like the boots I think it’s safe to say I won’t be shopping with them again.

I’ve been mulling this over, because part of me started wondering if I was overreacting. It’s just a magazine, right? It’s free. But then I come down to and while I can see where someone might think this is a nice idea to thank customers, from the customer standpoint, there are a lot of reasons it’s really, really not.

1. Unwanted time and effort. A thank you gift should make my life easier, not harder. I don’t want US Weekly, and that means that I have to spend time getting rid of it. It’s wasteful, since until I stopped it the magazine went straight into the trash. I contemplated trying to find somewhere that might use it, but I didn’t have the time. Giving something that requires the recipient to devote time and effort to stopping it or disposing of it is not a gift.

2. Identity and security issues. Maybe Steve Madden’s marketing department missed this, but identity theft and scams are real issues today. Once I realized that this wasn’t a free promo or misguided gift from a family member I freaked out a little, wondering who had access to my name and if they were signing up for something to see if it worked. I also wondered if it wasn’t some scam– would I get some sort of bill in the mail because I didn’t notice the first one and cancel?

3. Poor targeting. Look, I get that people think you can pigeon-hole people based on demographic info and this might just be me getting my feminist hackles raised but just because I buy expensive shoes doesn’t mean I follow celeb gossip or read women’s magazines. Don’t assume too much about your customers because of one purchase.

4. Hassle and inconvenience. If something starts appearing in my name, I should be able to stop it. Period, end of story. To have to jump through hoops because company A gave my data to company B which signed me up for something with company C which can’t cancel it on my behalf until they hear from company B is unacceptable. I didn’t authorize ANY of this and the fact that I’m not being charged for it doesn’t matter. If I am being sent something, I should have the ability to stop it.

Now since someone will inevitably accuse me of being ungrateful, I’m not saying that the impulse to reward customers is wrong — but this was badly done. I’d have been happy to receive a discount code for my next order or discount codes for similar orders. If something like a magazine is really so near and dear to somebody’s heart, why not send an email with an option — if I’d been sent an offer with a choice of magazines or opting out, I’d have been able to select something useful or decline entirely.

Assuming you know what your customers want and signing them up for it, without their authorization, isn’t cool and it isn’t thanks. It’s a bad idea.

I saw “The Avengers” this weekend and seriously, people, go see this movie if you haven’t already. It’s definitely worth seeing and I’m already thinking of going again because I’m sure I’d get more on 2nd view. Whedon tends to be layered like that.

(Which, by the way, given the record box office returns, can we please just let Whedon get free reign on a TV show and not cancel it now? Please?)

One thing that struck me in this was that the idea of a superhero is so uniquely American. It plays neatly into the realm of the blessed/ingenious individual, who rises above the masses of humanity.

Yet that’s not enough anymore, but how do larger-than-life individuals play as a team? It seems to me that Whedon was playing with this a bit, and there were some a few bits where it seemed particularly pointed. I definitely like the idea of exploring that, though, and I hope it continues.

Also, I’m pretty sure I have crushes on all the Avengers now. That’s not wrong, right?

Does anyone have tips for allergies?

Mine have suddenly exploded in the past few weeks. I’m not sure if it’s just a bad allergy season or if I’m suddenly more allergic to my cats. I’m hoping the former.

So far I’ve been taking some generic Claratin type stuff and doused the cats in dander-reducing serum. The scientific skeptic in me doubts that will have any effect beyond providing me with two wet, angry cats but I know people who swear by it so worth a shot, right? I’m hoping to vacuum tonight too, if I can stay awake when I get home from work today.

I’m looking into getting an air purifier with a HEPA filter if this keeps up. I’ve always had mild allergies but nothing this bad. My eyes feel swollen and itchy and I’m sniffling and sneezing up a storm.

Sigh. Oh nature, this why I don’t like you all that much sometimes…

Dear cats,

You know that I love you. When I took you in 8 years ago, I never imagined your scrawny, pot-bellied, sickly selves would become such robust and thriving feline companions.

However.

We need to talk.

I understand you, at least I think I do. I understand that beneath your furry bodies beats the heart and soul of an artist. That you must daily curse the lack of opposable thumbs that would allow you to grip a pencil or paintbrush in your tiny paws.

While I understand that this must be truly tragic for you, I would like to suggest that perhaps finding new and creative places to hide your puke is not the best creative outlet? Similarly, running frantically while barfing so that you create abstract patterns a la Jackson Pollack is not effective either. Nor is consuming glitter or plastic to add some color variety to your bodily expulsions.

This does not make me marvel at your creativity. It does, however, make me ponder how you’d look as patches on that patchwork fur quilt from Game of Thrones.

Overturning your waterdish and making soup out of your dry food is another similarly unhelpful feet. There’s yarn all over this apartment, why don’t you run around with that instead? It would at least be more pleasant to clean up.

~Your loving slave owner.

PS — You have not only a large human bed (which is not yours and which your newfound affection for is really aggravating my allergies but it’s okay, I’ll just sneeze) but also two hand-knit cat beds that sit on a shelf under a sunny window. So why you decided to tip over the trash bag in the hallway, pull out all the stuff and sleep on a pile of discarded junk mail I have no idea. But thanks for that.